Filed under: MASCULINITY
Although men are reluctant to express their feelings with other men, don’t dismiss male friendships as inferior to female friendships, writes Jeffrey Zaslow of The Wall Street Journal. “If we use a women’s paradigm for friendship, we’re making a mistake,” says Geoffrey Greif, a professor at the University of Maryland’s School of Social Work, who has studied how nearly 400 men maintain their friendships.
Researchers contend that women’s friendships are face-to-face, sharing their deepest feelings with one another; while men’s friendships are side-by-side, bonding through sports like baseball or football. The Journal’s Mr. Zaslow comments, “Men might not be physically or emotionally expressive, but we still derive great support from our friendships.” Just don’t expect a group of guys to share their deepest feelings with each other around the camp-fire after fly-fishing and white-water rafting all day.
Men rely on their friendships with other men (“bromances”) to escape from their problems – whether it’s playing poker, watching a ballgame, or going fishing. Dr. Greif’s research revealed that men shy away from high-maintenance relationships, “they don’t want someone who is too needy.” Men prefer to open up about emotional issues to women, fearful that they’ll be perceived as effeminate if they express too much of their feelings to their male friends.
Frank Alessandra, 44, lends his support to these findings, “as men, we feel the need to camouflage our sensitivity, but that doesn’t mean we’re not sensitive.”
Larry Schulsinger, 51, a consultant, adds, “I wouldn’t talk about my insecurities with the guys. All my real insecurities –about work, finances, the kids – those I share with the wife.”
And that also doesn’t mean that men are afraid to show their sentimental sides to their guy friends. Mr. Schulsinger, for example, remains close with his six childhood buddies from North Miami Beach, Fla. Although they all now live in different parts of the country, they made a pact a long time ago to meet up each fall at Miami Dolphins away games. They reminisce about their years growing up together in Miami, and tease each other incessantly, but they rarely talk about serious issues.
New Line/Everett Collection
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